Argentina v. Germany

Categories: sports, tech, awesome, television

World Cup play resumes today with Argentina vs. Germany at 11am EST, and Italy vs. Ukraine at 3pm EST.

I think if Germany scores first, Argentina is in deep sh*t. That crowd is going to be at least 80% German and all they will be looking for is a reason to get more drunk and more loud. That being said, I like Argentina to win if they give Lionel Messi and Carlos Tevez more than 20 minutes of playing time. I think the German defense is largely untested having faced Ecuador minus their two goal scorers and Sweden with a banged up Ibrahimovic. It wasn't pure luck that gave Costa Rica's Paulo Wanchope two goals in their 4-2 loss to Germany.

As for Italy I am so angry with their luck and bullshit style of play that I will do just about anything to watch them lose. Go Ukraine.

Here are the video links so you can watch from work:

Argentina v. Germany (11 am EST, definitely works)

Italy v. Ukraine (3pm EST, probably works, if not try the first link)

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Britney Is Not Demi Moore

Categories: women, weird, news

Where do I even start? This is part of the pregnant, black-haired Britney photo spread that will be in Harper's Bazaaar this month.

I am sure there are people out there who are into this, but I am not one of them. Pregnancy should not increase your attraction to a woman unless you are the person responsible for the bun in her oven.

I just don't like black hair on a naturally light-haired woman. I would go into more detail but I have this strange feeling that I can be so oblivious to these types of things that I might know someone who has tried this before or has this look now but just isn't coming to mind.

Yup. So there it is.

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American Football 101

Categories: sports, psa
Okay Pippa. Since you were so kind to explain Cricket and Rugby to me, I will do my best to explain American football to you. The videos will be of three of the more confusing plays to someone who is unfamiliar with the game or is used to Rugby. I am not sure how much you know, so forgive me if I overexplain things.



Kickoff.
At the beginning of the game, the start of the half and after every score you have a kickoff. If a team has just scored, they kick off to the opponent as they get ready to play defense. Basically you have a former soccer player place the ball on a tee, like a goal kick, at what would amount to the top of his own penalty area(25 yards from his own end zone). He and his 10 players lineup behind the ball (they cannot cross the plane of the ball before he kicks, else its offside and they rekick from 5 yards back). They can kick it about 70 yards off the tee, where the other team fields it. If it goes into the end zone of the receiving team, they can field it, take a knee. The play is called dead and they get it at their own 20 yard line. Aside from the player that fields the ball, the other 10 try to find an opponent and block for him. They can't hold jerseys or tackle the defenders, all they can do is get in their way and push them really, really hard. Likewise they can't engage anyone from behind or else it is a penalty (10 yards from the spot of the foul). There are like 6 referees so they see almost everything. While he is running, the ball carrier can lateral the ball to anyone on his own team (kind of like rugby) but this almost never happens. No forward passing on these plays. If he gets hit and drops the ball before his knees hit the ground it is a live ball (fumble) and the first team to jump on it or pick it up gains possession. Once your knees hit the ground and you are touched, you are down and the play is dead. On a fumble, if your team is daring they can try to pick up the ball and keep running toward the end zone, but this usually ends up in another fumble. In most circumstances there is no fumble, the ball carrier gets tackled, the play is dead and the 11 man offense comes onto the field. The kickoff team generally consists of two star players that fans know by name. These would be the two people who receive the kickoff (depending on what side the ball is kicked to) and probably are a part of the regular 11 man offense. The other 9 people are usually rookies or 3rd stringers that can be lost to injury without major concern. The clip above is of a video of a kickoff that was returned for a touchdown by "Rocket" Ismail (whose pro career never panned out because he couldn't do much other than this, which happens maybe 3 times a season).


Offense
Once your offense is out on the field you have 4 downs (attempts) to move the ball 10 yards. Once you have gotten 10 yards, the downs reset and you get four more downs. If you move it 40 yards on one play, you still only get 4 downs to get 10 yards from the spot you were tackled. Formations are set like this. You have to have 1 Quarterback (QB) (skill player), 5 lineman (fat guys) and a combination of 5 Wide Receivers (WR, size of Thierry Henry) and Running Backs (RB, fast guys). On a running play you will take out one or two of your WR/RB's and bring in a tight end (TE, a hefty guy that can run and catch but lack top end speed. roughly the size of Ballack, Drogba or Rio Ferdinand). The QB takes the ball, hands or pitches the ball to the RB who tries to make progress downfield while the fatty's block for him. On a passing play, the QB takes the ball and tries to thrown it downfield to a WR who is running a precise, diagramed pattern to try to get open. Assuming the defense is playing man-to-man, one player will run deep down the field to try to get the safety (akin to a sweeper) to committ to guarding him. That creates space underneath for a short pass, assuming another WR can get away from his defender. If the ball is passed forward and dropped the play is dead and the next down begins. If the defender catches the ball out of the air its a turnover and he runs like hell for the endzone while everyone chases after him. If the offense can't get 10 yard on their first three downs they can go for it on fourth but if they don't get it that is also a (dead ball) turnover. Usually (unless time is short and they need to score) will punt on fourth down, which consists of a punting specialist coming on the field trying to punt the ball 50+ yards to give the opposing teams offense crappy field position. On the punt, the defense puts a player back about 50 yards to catch and run with the ball while his teammates block. All they are trying to do is gain back some field position, but in some cases they get returned for touchdowns. The clip is of a punt return being returned for a touchdown by Dante Hall. The punt team is pretty much the same makeup as the kickoff team.


Defense
Defense has multiple formations. Generally they have 3 or 4 defensive lineman (fattys) that try to get past the offense's fattys to try to tackle the RB or QB before they can gain yardage. Defense has to look at the down and distance (ex: 3rd down, 9 yards to go) to figure out what the offense is going to do. If they bring on extra fattys and TE's, the defense will do the same, figuring they are going to run the ball. A "standard" defensive package will have 3 or 4 fattys (defensive linemen), 3 or 4 hefty guys (LineBackers) and 3 or 4 smaller, faster guys (DBs, to defend the pass). If the offense have more WRs and RBs on the field the defense will bring on defensive backs. DBs are roughly the size of Beckham, 182cm 74 kg) to guard them because it will probably be a passing play. Defensive units have plays also, but the plays involve fewer players and are basically designed to trick the offense by lining up in one formation but when the ball goes live they do something quite different in an effort to create unblocked defenders with a clear shot at tackling the ball carrier or get the QB to throw the ball in between multiple defenders. The 11 man defensive unit only plays defense. The 11 man offense only plays offense. So each team essentially has 22 first-string starters they need performing at peak levels throughout the season. I added a clip from Ed Reed to give you an idea of exceptional defensive plays. Ed Reed is the current Defensive Player of the Year at the professional level. You'll see a lot of fumbles, interceptions and some defensive touchdowns.

Scoring
Each end of the field has a 10 yard long by 50 yard wide end zone. The field is 100 yards long + endzones and 50 yards wide. Obviously you are trying to cross the goal line with the ball just like in Rugby but you don't need to slide to the ground. Although I think this is where we get the phrase touchdown. A touchdown is worth 6 points. Teams can attempt a field goal (3 points) if they get within about 45 yards of the endzone. Goalposts are in the back of the endzone so you have to tack on another 10 yards for the goalposts and 7 yards for the spot of the ball. The NFL long for a field goal make is 63 yards, so any time the offense is within 46 yards of the endzone a fourth down field goal attempt might be in order. If the kick is missed its a turnover and the defense takes possesion at the spot of the kick. Often times teams will opt for a short punt instead of a long field goal for fear they will miss and give up good field position. The defense can try to block field goals and punts, but mostly they have four players trying to block the kick and 7 players making sure its not a fake. On the field goal, one player holds the ball while the kicker kicks and the other 9 block.


Odds and Ends
If you get tackled in your own endzone it is worth two points for the other team and you have to kickoff to them anyways. Its called a saftey. After every touchdown you have a short field goal called a PAT (point after touchdown). It is worth 1 point. I don't know why they have these. Kickers are specialists, and usually converted soccer players. They are generally mocked by the other football players for being weak, despite the fact that they can have enormous impact on the outcome of games. Substitutions are unlimited. 15 minute quarters. Clock stops if a players runs out of bounds or if a forward pass is dropped and the play is blown dead. Otherwise the clock runs. This is a clip of highlights from Reggie Bush, a WR/RB/Kick/Punt returner and last season's National Collegiate Player of the Year. Most of these plays would be considered running plays, as RB is his primary position. There are a few repeats and reverse angles that should give you a good idea of how easy it is for a defenders to take a bad angle or make a bad read (of where Bush is going to come out once he gets beyond the fatties) and get burned by someone with that kind of speed. He is set to make his professional debut in September, and is the most highly anticipated rookie to come along in probably 20 years. You can probably see from these clips that these players are a slightly (ha!!) higher caliber of athlete than the what we get for our soccer team. Money talks and Reggie Bush just got about $50 million (over 6 years, about half guaranteed) for his rookie contract before ever playing a professional game. Meanwhile the Landon Donovans of the US Soccer world make between $750,00 to $1.2 million per year.

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LG LP4100 Sobriety Phone

Categories: tech, awesome, future, news

I know what I should get Dan for Christmas. This is the LG LP4100 cell phone set to hit the U.S. later this year. In addition to all of the camera features and what you might consider standard capabilities this phone has a built-in breathalyzer. You can breath into a little sensor on the phone, which measures your BAC and lets you know if you should be driving or not. A car swerving and hitting traffic cones clearly spells out that you should hand over the keys. The feature I am most impressed by and thought might be most appropriate for Dan is the time locking phone book. You can program this phone to prevent you from calling certain numbers on specified nights after specified times. Those same call blocks will activate when your BAC level goes beyond the legal limit, preventing you from drunk-dialing or making alcohol-fueled booty calls. There are few things quite as humbling as hearing your own drunken ramblings played back to you from a friend's voice-mail the next day. One of the more practical applications would be to activate those safeguards for co-workers, bosses and family members that don't normally talk to you when you're hammered. I think this is pretty smart technology. I could have used it a couple of weeks ago.

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Worst. Idea. Ever.

Categories: weird, women, ideas

This is the Life Dress by Anna Maria Cornelia. It is one part skirt, one part bio-dome or inflatable life vest. You can see in the picture on the left we have a woman casually working in some kind of restaurant or buffet. Suddenly there is an immediate need for privacy. In a normal dress she would have to ungracefully leave her work area to remedy her situation. With the Life Dress by Anna Maria Cornelia she can quickly take care of her business in an elegant, inflatable cocoon of privacy. Not unlike Clark Kent's phone booth, this woman is able to discreetly take care of her business in public.

Or perhaps you take public transportation to get around town. What do you do when you get an important call on your cell phone? I am sure you just obnoxiously answer it and speak freely for everyone to hear. You contribute to noise pollution. With the Life Dress by Anna Maria Cornelia, you can tactfully retreat to privacy without bothering those around you. Brilliant. How many should I put you down for? Just orange, or do you prefer yellow? How about some of both?

From the Anna Maria Cornelia site:
"The life dress gives its wearer the possibility to instantly create a personal space, in which she/he can seclude her/himself from the chaotic surroundings.

It’s a game between air and space. To create a sanctuary, the wearer of the dress pulls up and zips her skirt at any given moment to close it around her. An air cartridge inflates the skirt to form a perfect bubble around the woman.

Enjoy “your” sanctuary ! "

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I Want To Work For MTV

Categories: television, awesome, opinion

I realized last night that I really want to work for MTV. I was watching a Parental Control marathon after work and I found that I never get tired of the format or the predictable outcome. I always captivated by the crappy one-line insults and mediocre puns that are clearly scripted by a struggling writer. I can do that!! I think Parental Control provides the best snarky commentary, with Next a close second and Date My Mom a distant third. The best part about Parental Control is that the parents are actively trying to oust their child's current girl/boyfriend. The episode I saw last night got particularly awkward when the suitor asked about the relationship between the current boyfriend and the girl's parents. The girl replied "well Brian says that my dad has a stick up his ass" to which the stunned Dad turned to a shocked Brian (who was just out of arm reach) and said "what was that? I have a stick up my ass." Awesome. The clip above is from an episode of Next where Adam "nexts" four girls for any number of shallow, superficial reasons. The fifth girl has heard them all and formed an opinion about what type of person he is prior to their "date". The rest you just have to see for yourself.

Parental Control - Emo Boy
Next - Girl Falls Out Of The Bus
Date My Mom - They just keep getting hotter and hotter!

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Whatever You Say Forbes

Categories: weird, science, news

Men With Older Brothers More Likely to Be Gay is the exact headline over at Forbes.com.

In the article however, it mentions that despite what you might think it has nothing to do with social impact of having brothers, it is something pre-natal. The link is through the mother, and having multiple older brothers can increase the chances of being gay from 3% to around 5%. Crazy stuff. And why is this in Forbes? Aren't they supposed to be telling us how to turn $100 into a $1 million?

Maybe they should just stick to finances.

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Brazil v. Ghana

Categories: sports, tech, awesome, television

Today I am hoping for Ghana to pull of the upset of the tournament and knock Brazil out of the World Cup. I am against everything Portugese as this point. I am also eager to see something besides Germany-Brazil in the finals. This is a tall order for Ghana, especially without Michael Essien. Here is the link for the game in case you want to sit at your desk for lunch and watch soccer. Same tips as yesterday, right-click 'copy link' or 'copy shortcut' and paste it into your Windows Media Player 'Open URL' box.

Brazil v. Ghana (11am EST, penalties if needed, approx. 1:30pm)

France v. Spain (3pm EST, penalties if needed, approx. 5:30pm)

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MTV: Break The Addiction

Categories: television, weird, psa

While I was watching MTV tonight I saw a public service announcement for their 'Break The Addicition' environmental campaign. I am pretty sure the ad in question mentioned that the next time you get a gift for someone think about getting them tickets to a concert instead of something tangible that consumes resources and creates waste. Umm, because we all know concerts don't do that. I didn't actually see this, right? Karen, it was on during Fast Inc., so I am probably counting on you to verify the ad.

How utterly hypocritical is that message? Please, drive your car a couple of hours to a concert, buy some beer and food in disposable containers, throw them in the trash (because venues do not recycle from what I can tell) and then buy some souveneir products created in third world factories with little or no emissions regulations. It's for the sake of the environment!! Obviously it is difficult to avoid consuming some kind of resource or creating a little waste but a concert is by no means environmentally friendly. I think you would be more eco friendly if you bought a CD and quietly listened to it in the comfort of your own home. I get the point, sort of, but I think a more ideal example of a gift would be a round of golf or a tennis lesson.

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Date Movie

Categories: stupid, film, opinion, psa

If you are like me and wonder which predictably bad comedy is worse, Date Movie or Grandma's Boy, please wonder no more. It is clearly Date Movie. I watched both in the past 10 days and it wasn't even close. I gave Date Movie a chance based on the strength of Not Another Teen Movie, which has grown on me after 50+ partial cable TV viewings. There just aren't enough leftover spoof ideas when you consider the grounds already covered by the Scary Movie franchise and Not Another Teen Movie. It is not at all topical, since the spoofs range from When Harry Met Sally to Pimp My Ride to Kill Bill to the remake of King Kong. The central play on My Big Fat Greek Wedding would have been appropriate four years ago, but now the reference(s) are mildly confusing. Basically it is the worst movie I have seen in quite some time. In fact the movie hasn't even finished and I am writing this. Not to mention for an unrated DVD, there is a surprising lack of nudity. I can't even think of another bad movie that I have seen in the past 5 years that even deserves mention in the same sentence as Date Movie. I barely cracked a smile. If you rent this I will kill you. Another way to tell it was bad, the runtime says 82 minutes, but minus end credits it is 73 minutes, 12 seconds. Minus opening credits and its probably just right at 70. In retrospect, I would have rather died 73 minutes sooner than watch this film.

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Oh How I Hate Italian Soccer

Categories: stupid, sports, television

When you get a chance, watch the World Cup highlights of the 93rd minute of the Italy-Australia match. I am sorry if I ruined the result for you, but Italy has ruined this entire World Cup for me. Italians, Eric Cantona unknowingly recorded a message for you prior to the start of this World Cup. I took the liberty of breaking it down to the parts that apply specifically to you.

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Italy v. Australia

Categories: sports, tech, awesome

Here's to the Socceroos taking down the pansy, diving Azzuri in the knockout round. Start time 11am (EST) to approximately 1pm. If it goes to penalties you might check back around 1:30 to witness the drama. Anyways this is a live audio/video link courtesy of ESPN 360. My productivity at work has officially been cut in half. If the link itself opens a blank page, try right-clicking, select 'copy link' or 'copy link location' and paste it into the 'Open URL...' box on Windows Media Player.

Australia v. Italy

For the Ukraine/Switzerland game click here.

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South Korea Follow-up

Categories: awesome, travel, sports, friends

I got some pictures from Dan and Paulie's South Korea trip. This is an actual photo from the crowd during Friday's Switzerland/South Korea game. If you look in the background, the little lighted red devil horns make it look like the crowd is composed mostly of sand people (from Star Wars). Anyways, among the things they have learned so far:

Koreans believe that if you turn on an indoor fan without opening a door or window, you might suffocate.

I knew that in some of the Asian countries, a newborn baby is considered to be 1 year old. But what I didn't know is that they refer to their own age by the current year. The month and day
dont' factor into it. If you were born at any point in 1980, then right now you are 26. It doesn't matter what day or month it was. This is really strange for babies. At birth, a baby is 1 year-old, so a baby born in December is 1, and after the new year in January, the baby is then considered to be 2. Crazy stuff. Maybe thats why they have that underage girls panties fetish stuff, because they simply don't know how old people are because of the +/- 2 year margin of error.
By the way, is there a way we can get this picture into The Spark? I mean seriously, Yale is wearing his Calvin College Intramural Champions t-shirt in South Korea, a good two years after he graduated. If that doesn't say 'Proud Alumnus', I don't know what does.

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World Cup: Live In Your Office

Categories: awesome, tech, television, sports

I have found a way to watch a live audio/video stream of World Cup matches on your computer. I believe it is through ESPN 360, which is normally a restricted-use service from ESPN.com. Every so often they have a trial period where they allow all ISP's to access the service in hopes that users will fall in love with the service and badger their ISP to help them access it, at which point ESPN probably charges the broadband provider a fee for ESPN 360.

For today's 3pm games click on either of the links below:

South Korea v. Switzerland

France v. Togo

I will try to keep up during the week, posting links for anyone who is interested in catching pieces of the game from a computer.

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Live From Seoul, South Korea

Categories: sports, awesome, news, travel

I just got a call from Dan (roommate), Paulie (friend), Rico (fmr. roommate), Yale (fmr. roomate) and Mi-Hyun (Rico's girlfriend). It is Saturday morning over there, about 3 a.m. and they are on the last leg of what sounded like a typical drunken weekend night. Only this time they are hanging out with about 250,000 other people. In less than an hour (3 p.m. EST) South Korea is playing Switzerland in an attempt to advance to the knockout round of the World Cup. In Korea, each of the Red Devils' games have been televised live in large public squares, like the picture here. Right now they are somewhere in that sea of red. I got the picture from Yale last week with this explanation: "ps. (this is a) picture of the area near where i watched the korea-togo game. i was the only dude not wearing red in the entire city. i had a hell of a time getting home."

That is pretty badass.

By the way, they all say hi. As Dan explained it to me, meeting chicks is harder in South Korea. The women are not big on eye contact and since he doesn't speak Korean they have crippled his go-to move.

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Time To STFU

Categories: sports, opinion

For every talk show host, radio DJ and TV talking head that either didn't watch the World Cup or only watched the USA games, it's time to shut the f--k up. I am so sick and tired of people piling on this or that, taking accurate statistics and using them to form reasons why soccer will never catch on in the United States. Anyone who knows anything about soccer knows that it is not a sport that lends itself to statistical analysis. There are about 4 categories that are tangible, and even they can tell magnificent lies. Example, the Czech Republic game:

What does this box score tell you?

Match Stats
	United States	Czech Republic
Shots (on Goal)	10(3)	10(4)
Fouls	13	16
Corner Kicks	2	5
Offsides	0	10
Time of Possession	52%	48%
Yellow Cards	2	4
Red Cards	0	0
Saves	1	3

It certainly doesn't say that the Czechs kicked our ass 3-0.

What annoyed me to the point of writing this is the morning talk show I listen to suddenly piling on US soccer. "Way to go 5th ranked team!" "Yeah awesome job scoring one real goal", and other comments of similar nature. Technically those statements are accurate but they ignore the circumstances of the two losses and one tie. Sure the record and the goals scored look terrible but they played in arguably the hardest group and had a real shot to come away with something in two of those three games.

What annoys me even more is the way people point out "oh those guys fake injuries" or "it looks like keep away" or "let me guess it ends in a 0-0 tie" as reasons not to like soccer. At this point I don't even care if anyone but me decides to watch soccer ever again. The success of professional soccer here in the United States is completely independent of my enjoyment of the World Cup. I think most soccer fans would agree. The World Cup comes along once every four years so why don't the people who don't care just let those of us that do, do it in peace. I am not going to call those people idiots for not liking soccer or not watching, and I would prefer it if those people would afford me the same courtesy.

In other news, go Sweden!! Eliminate and embarrass Germany so they fire Klinnsman and we can hire him to replace Bruce Arena.

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USA v. Ghana: Follow-up

Categories: sports, news, opinion

Well, no more than 3 minutes after my last entry I accepted an invitation to watch the game at Uccello's (a local sports bar). Sorry Peter, but I knew my brother would call me immediately afterwards, plus being able to watch both games without changing channels was just too much to ignore. If you still want to watch I will be re-airing the game in HD at home around 5:30.

Ahhh. Heather Mitts.

Now on to my thoughts.

DEVASTATION

That is the only way to sum up my feelings at this point. I can't even put my finger on it. I can actually, but I am too dejected to even start.

New plan: New coach, foreign, that demands their players play abroad. Start fast tracking Jonathan Spector and Zak Whitbread for 2010. Get them CAPS early in qualifying and knock some of that green off their horns prior to South Africa. I can't believe we are even at this point, already looking to 2010 when I will damn near be 30. Fuck. If you aren't playing professionally in Europe, you should not even be considered for the national team roster. Plain and simple.

ESPN, please dump Julie Foudy and give us some Heather Mitts. She is easy on the eyes and in a situation like the one I find myself in now, she can do wonders towards offsetting my homicidal anger.

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US v Ghana

Categories: sports, news

First things first. I have been talked into a scenario where I will not be watching the US game live. I am going to wait about 6 hours after it is done (5 pm EST) to watch that match and learn the score of the Italy/Czech Republic game.

Here is my question: Can the US advance with either a Czech win or an Italy win? Here are the Group Standings as of 9 am:

Group E
	GP	W	D	L	GS	GA	GD	P
Italy	2	1	1	0	3	1	2	4
Czech Republic	2	1	0	1	3	2	1	3
Ghana	2	1	0	1	2	2	0	3
United States	2	0	1	1	1	4	-3	1

If the US wins they are 1-1-1. If the Czechs win, they are 2-1 but the Italians drop to 1-1-1 and Ghana is 1-2. The tie-breaker scenario then becomes between the US and Italy, with goal differential being the first criterion. As it stands the Italians are a +2 GD and the US is -3. If the Czechs beat Italy 3-0, or by a margin of 3 they will drop to -1. If the US were to win by 2 or three they would move to -1 or even. Any ties in goal differential would push the tie-breaker to goals scored, which would severly damage the US chance of advancing unless they score 5 or 6 against Ghana. It would be nearly impossible for them to score 5 or 6 without also getting the goal differential they need to advance, so that second tie-breaker criteria scenario is pretty much out.

My point is that the analysts and broadcasters will tell you that the US needs Italy to win today to help them out, but realistically what they need is for someone to win that Italy/Czech Republic game. The Italian victory scenario is just cleaner and more straight forward. If the Czechs win, the US needs them to win big.

Okay. No more World Cup anything from anyone until further notice. This feeling that I have, choosing not to watch the game, is vaguely reminiscent of watching a high school girlfriend flirt with a guy in one of her classes. You know she's not going anywhere and when you get home you can have your way with her, yet still there is a stinging jealousy. And when I say have your way with her that is stricly an analogy for my DVR, which allows me to pause, fast forward or rewind whatever it is I recorded. Get your mind out of the gutter.

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The Urban Etiquette Handbook

Categories: awesome, psa

Normally I try to avoid all things New York, since New Yorkers seem to believe that everything that is anything in the US either originates from NY or needs a NY validation to continue its existence. This time though I couldn't help but laugh and agree. The Urban Etiquette Handbook is a section of New York Magazine's website that offers solutions to trivial problems people encounter every day. I found the site through a link to a mediocre article from David Cross titled "Where Do I Know You From? How not to alienate That Guy From TV." There are many things that even apply to lowly non-New Yorkers, all of which should help you remove some of the awkward (pictured) from your everyday life. Here are some examples:

What do “I’ll call you” or “Let’s have lunch” mean? In a non-dating situation, these hollow parting comments often translate roughly to “In all likelihood, I won’t call you” and “Let’s not have lunch, though I have generally positive feelings about you.” (Though the recipient has no choice but to be agreeable in the moment and assume the phone won’t ring.) If you’re prone to such phrases, consider deploying “It was good to see you,” which, while perfectly pleasant, won’t confuse anyone.

Can you reject a Friendster, Facebook, or MySpace friend request from someone you know? No. It’s not as though adding someone to your online social network costs anything: The only potential damage is to the perceived quality of your accumulated friends. And if you know someone who judges you based on your Friendster network, then, well, like Mom said, he’s not your real Internet friend anyway.

How do you end an exchange of witty, flirtatious e-mail banter?
The exchange of witty, flirtatious banter is admittedly the e-mail quagmire with the fewest number of obvious exit strategies. Nonetheless, it should be resolved like real-time witty, flirtatious banter: with one party either summoning the courage to ask for a date or ending the quasi relationship by means of unexplained unresponsiveness.

When does an e-mail exchange end? At the office, acknowledging receipt of requested work or information is entirely appropriate and necessary, but acknowledging receipt of receipt-acknowledgment is superfluous.

Seems about right to me.

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Argentina v. Netherlands

Categories: sports, awesome, psa

This is an open invitation to all of my friends. I am going to DVR the Netherlands/Argentina game today. I won't be able to watch it live and will be avoiding sports news like the plague so I don't ruin it. So after work sometime today if you want to come over I will be watching. Both sides have already advanced, but what is at stake is the knockout round matchup against Portugal or Mexico. I don't (won't) know that score either, but by the time the noon games kickoff those teams will know exactly how Group D finished up and who they want to avoid playing. As it stands the Netherlands need an outright win to advance as the #1 team out of Group C. Argentina need only a win or draw to come out as the #1 because of the goal differential gained by their 6-0 win over Serbia & Montenegro. Just post a comment or email me if you want to come over and watch, otherwise I will just go about it on my own schedule.

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Britney Spears: The End Of An Era

Categories: music, women, weird, news

Time Of Death: 10:30 am, 6-21-2006.

I don't keep up with much of what Britney Spears is doing with her life. I think she is pregnant with a second child. I think somewhere in my mind I still believed that eventually she would get tired of Cletus Federline, get herself back into shape and rejuvenate her music career. That dream is dead. A couple of weeks or months ago she wrote a "stream of consciousness" poem called Rememberance Of Who I Am which was posted on her website:

No more chains
That you gave me.

Enough of pain
Now I'm craving
Something sweet, so delight
How do you stand sleeping at night?

Silly patterns that we follow
You pull me in
I'm being swallowed
By the ones you think you love
They pull you down
You can't see up above.

Manipulation is the key
They screw it in
Because you're naive.

You come to me now
Why do you bother?
Remember the Bible
The sins of the Father.
What you do
You pass down.
No wonder why
I lost my crown.

You don't see me now
You ask yourself why
My crown is back
And it's way too high
For you to be in my presence
Especially my son
You should bow down
I've only just begun.

The guilt you fed me
Made me weak.
The voodoo you did
I couldn't speak.

You're awakening
The phone is ringing.
Resurrection of my soul
The fear I'm bringing.

What will you say
And what will you do?
She's not the same person that you're used to.

You trick me one, twice, now it's three.
Look who's smiling now
Damn, it's good to be me.

**This is for everyone who thinks they know me...


Now a couple of years back when she debuted her perfume "Fantasy" and described it as "created with all kinds of enchanting scents and flavors like lush red lychee, golden quince, sensual woods and exotic kiwi. It even has a hint of cupcakes, white chocolate and jasmine." I knew she wasn't exactly the braintrust behind her own musical success. But now you have this atrocious poem and the hook she recorded and posted on her website called "Love B" that was inspired by this poem. It looks like her days are done. We can officially start the "Debbie Gibson: A Decade Late" Playboy countdown clock. By the way, if you want to hear the "song", you have to go to her website, find the blue bubble that says Love B and click on it. Like the picture at the top. But be warned the lyrics are somewhat unintelligible and they are sung in just the right way that you could easily find yourself humming the tune for hours on end.

CONTINUE

Connie Chung Is Insane

Categories: weird, television, awesome, youtube

She must be drunk. This is how she ended her talk show with co-host and husband Maury Povich. The show was called Weekends with Maury and Connie and it only lasted from January 2006 to June 17 2006. I don't even know what channel it was on, but this should clip should live on for eternity. Just awful, and seemingly loaded with backhanded compliments for Maury that reference the bizarre topics from The Maury Povich Show. Dan Rather got his name dragged into this too somehow.

CONTINUE

Let Me Save You Some Money

Categories: film, opinion, stupid

Don't let this movie fool you. London's tagline is "A Film About Love And Her Victims". It stars Chris Evans (Fantastic Four), Jessica Biel (Stealth), Jason Statham (Snatch) and has a few scenes with Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers) in her real, Australian accent.

I figured with what looked like two male leads, the story was going to be about who London was some siren that would lure these guys into dating her and then leave them heartbroked because she couldn't settle down. That was not the case. The love referred to in the title is actually love (boo) and the victims are Jessica Biel, Chris Evans and anyone that watched the movie. Basically you should imagine yourself completely sober in the bathroom at a bar, where you have to endure two hours of some completely wasted lunatic explain every problem he ever had with his ex-girlfriend during their 2 year relationship, and then explain how the breakup has changed his outlook on life. Chris Evans did a good job sounding like a whiny little bitch, but I found it to be incredibly annoying. Dane Cook was in it, which makes three Dane Cook run-ins this weekend. Two from renting London and Waiting and a third for the SNL episode he hosted that re-aired Saturday night.

If you do watch this, the only memorable part of the movie occurs about 90 seconds in. You get some Jessica Biel dirty talk and shadow boob during a sex scene. Shadow boob is what I call it when you have a sex scene and they light it in such a way that the female actress can move about topless with her boobs being seen. You know they are right there, but it is too dark to definitively say you saw anything you couldn't see in a Maxim photo spread.

CONTINUE

I Hate Italy

Categories: sports, stupid, opinion, youtube

Stupid Italians. Here is some hidden camera footage of Italy training prior to this (and every) World Cup.

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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Categories: film, humor, opinion

The next movie you see ought to be Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. It stars Val Kilmer, Robert Downey Jr. and Michelle Monaghan. It is kind of a crime/comedy caper along the lines of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. The basic premise of this movie is that Robert Downey Jr. stumbles into an acting audition while on the run from cops. His audition happens to be for the role of someone involved in a crime that is not so different from the real crime he has just committed. His audition is so strong that they fly him out to L.A. to do some more work. In the meantime he tags along with a real private detective to help authenticate role. At this point he and the real detective (Kilmer) stumble upon a complex murder mystery that has them piecing together clues on the fly based on what they know from all the typical crime cliches found in movies.

I won't say much more besides that I think Michelle Monaghan is gorgeous. She wasn't even on my radar until tonight and now I am trying to find out what else she has been in (Mission: Impossible 3). She has a little bit of an Ellen Pompeo (Meredith, Grey's Anatomy) and Liv Tyler look about her. Plus you get to see her boobies.

CONTINUE

Don't Fall Asleep In Japan

Categories: weird, awesome, television, humor, japan

Unlike here in the states where some guys might do some borderline gay stuff to you, in Japan you evidently run the risk of death by prank. Be it a heart attack, drowning or being dragged to death. I am not sure if this was edited out of the first two pranks, but the third guy is spot-shadowed drinking some concoction that I believed is laced with roofies. That would explain why he doesn't wake up prior to the beginning of his prank. I guess that's what you get for sleeping in a single-story flat house on beds that can double as a strecthers.

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Tamara Hoover: Art Teacher

Categories: women, weird, news

Yet another totally weird news story involving teachers and students. Yeah I really only post the female teacher-male student stories but that is because they are far more bizarre and incomprehensible. This particular story is pretty tame by sex scandal standards.

Tamara Hoover, an Art teacher at Austin High School in Austin Texas was terminated by the Austin Schoolboard for some topless photos she had put of herself on the Internet. In her defense, you can see pretty easily that she is one of those artsy, photography people that probably care less about nudity if its tasteful and everything. I can't say I disagree but my question is how did it become known that she had topless photos circulating on the Internet? If she told her students then it was totally inappropriate. She has been defending herself via her MySpace page. Any way you look at it, there seem to be a startling number of freaks that are getting teaching certificates and imposing their weird perversions on high school kids.

I give her somewhere between a 6.5 and a 7.5 on a scale of 10. On her MySpace page she claims to be 26 years old. Elsewhere I read she was 29, but her photos (other than the one above) suggest 31 or older. So her rating ultimately depends on what we finally determine her age to be. Hint: In this case higher is going to be better.

Anyways I know you are reading this for one reason, the photos: NSFW Flickr Album that got her fired, NSFW Flickr Album #2, her MySpace Page, and a SFW - Flickr Album (265 photos).

If you look at the SFW Flickr Album you can definitely see the artistic photo defense she is going for. Update: here is one more borderline bondage photo of her.

P.S. - Don't ask me how people find this stuff. These links were all from the Fark message boards where I saw the story. It makes me incredibly happy that I am not a politician because it seems as though within a matter of hours anyone can find anything they want if they have the proper motivation, and boobs seems to do it everytime.

CONTINUE

Coffee and Random Thoughts

Categories: science, weird, opinion, television

According to new scientific studies coffee may in fact help your liver in the fight against long term damage from alcohol consumption. In other news, I now drink coffee.

Here are some random thoughts:

One great way to counteract a hangover is with a bowl of sherbet. In multi-course meals they serve sherbet in between as a palette cleanser. It totally works with drinking too. I just brush my teeth and then grab a bowl and the cool ice cream thing is totally soothing on the brain, mouth and throat. The sherbet cleans your tongue and you don't feel like you licked the inside of a warm keg. I think there are psychological benefits also. I like lime or rainbow.

When I am around old people I find it to be fairly akward. I immediately try to bring up baseball. If I have the remote control I try to find a game on TV because I know there won't be any nudity, near nudity or swearing and I figure old people spent most of their whole lives following baseball. It also serves as an instant anything to talk about other than them being old or me being young. Every time the James Earl Jones speech from Field Of Dreams pops into my head: "People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come."

I mention this because my roommates grandparents stopped by last week when he wasn't around and we had kind of an awkward 5 minute interaction while I was watching some movie I had hoped would show boobies. So I flipped it to ESPN's coverage of the college baseball world series and pretended like I knew the teams.

Wendy's is once again on the insanely annoying commercial bandwagon. I don't know who they hire to come up with ideas, but they need to be fire-bombed immediately. The last time I brought this up was during the "that sweater costs 55 Jr. Bacon Cheesburgers" series of commercials. There was something with Wendy's since then that annoyed me, but not enough to mention it. However, this Soquid/Fpoon ad makes me murderously angry. If you haven't seen it then consider yourself lucky. That is all I can really say about it without going into more detail and potentially ruining my whole day.

When you are speaking about someone from a dual named country how do you suffix their nationality? Here are two examples: Bosnia & Herzegovinia and Trinidad & Tobago. Are they Bosnian & Herzegovinian? Or just Bosnian or just Herzegovinian or Bosnia & Herzegovinian? I need answers. Because it seems like the partnership of the country is 50/50 but if only one side is represent in the suffixation of the heritage then I think that is bullshit. That is half the reason to even have a country.

Have you ever "had a song" with someone? This would more than likely be a middle school or high school boyfriend or girlfriend